Akito's Love
by Fading Grace
Summary: A series of near oneshots, about who Akito loves. Ax[juunishi] Updated with Adi88's help! This is a serious story, not a humorous slant of someone loving everyone sort of thing. Complete.
1. My Little Rooster

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Kureno.

Oh, my calm, smart, little rooster. You stand before me as I hold a light-winged butterfly on my fingers, and I can see that you understand, so much as you might be able to do so. I know that you, perhaps alone in the _juunishi_, will always stay near me, because you know that that is how it should be, and you don't know any better.

At least, you _shouldn't_ know any better.

"What am I going to do with you, Kureno?"

"Whatever you wish, I should think," you reply, unmoving, accepting the punishment that you deserve, for leaving the Main House without my permission.

"I want you to never see her again, my little rooster. Can you do that for me?" And now your eyes widen, for you are surprised in your naïveté.

"What – Who do you mean?" Oh, but you _are_ unsure, at present, as much as you try to hide it.

"I know about that filthy outsider you meet when you sneak out, Kureno. Did I not tell you? You and I both know that nothing good can come of this thing you are trying so desperately to build. The harlot might get…hurt. Just like Isuzu, and my darling Kisa. They both were just in the way when I became angry. I don't enjoy losing the people I love like that, as you well know."

"Of…course. But, what if I -" And I can keep my temper no longer. The butterfly – so beautiful, on first glance, but up close so very vile for it doesn't belong – is crushed in my fist. I stand up too quickly, earning myself a head-rush in my haste, and dash to stand directly in front of my, in the end, obtuse little rooster pet.

"If you insist on seeing her, then I might not favor you so, _my_ Kureno." And I emphasize the possession of you, because, after all, you _are_ mine. I can smell you, dirty from the smog and body odor that fills the streets. I nearly cringe, from the wholly repugnant stench of it, but that would be unkind to you, and might not fully encourage pleasantries. "Be careful, because you are perfect just the way you are. If you consort with that disgusting girl, you might change, and then I might not like the new…you."

I have seen how clumsy you have become, in recent weeks. I assume that is only when you are thinking of her? Never mind, for I'll soon have that sort of thing out of your system. You'll be my sedate, stupid rooster…forever.

"I…yes, of course." Was it really so much to ask, Kureno? To ensure there is no confusion over who belongs to whom, I reach up for your hair.

And I kiss you, hard, bruising your lips and mine. You're much too tall, Kureno. It makes me feel almost powerless.

"Akito…" I feel you breathe against my cheek afterward. I pull back and allow you to straighten, and you set your shoulders resignedly. "Why do you do that?"

Ultimately, I see that you don't truly know why I do what I do. You merely bend to my whim, as much of a noble cause as it is.

"Why?" I take your hand, my skin near to crawling from the filth on your skin, and laugh at my own devoted politeness.

"Because I am god. Because I can. Because…I love you, Kureno."

And I do.


	2. My Stoic Dragon

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Hatori.

The phone rings unceremoniously. My head-rush left me feeling weak before, when I excused Kureno, and escaladed to another of my headaches. I smile, relieved, when my dragon answers.

"Hello, Hatori." All rustling of papers ceases, and I know that I have your attention, as I should.

"Akito. What's wrong?" A doctor to the core! I hear the disguised annoyance at having to put everything aside, but you do anyway, for I am the patient you owe the most thought to.

"A headache. I want to you come, now." Even at the thought of a visit, some of the throbbing subsides.

"Any unusual symptoms? Do you just need the regular medications?"

"No, the same as always. Come, soon."

I hear you sigh, even though you're covering the mouthpiece. Why must you do things like that? "Do I have to go? I have so many other things I must to attend to before I can rest."

"I miss you, Hatori." Why, my quiet dragon, do you say things like that?

"I want to be finished somewhat early today, Akito. I'll settle for even on time."

"It hurts my feelings, to hear you say that." Say you're sorry, Hatori. Please.

"I wanted to go out for dinner tonight." Your voice sounds different. Almost…hopeful? Who are you, Hatori? Are you so changed in the short time I haven't seen you?

"With…someone?" Say no. I'm the only one that can give you hope, because I know how to keep you from transforming into something, or someone, else. Say no.

"Mayuko Shiraki. She is a friend of…she used to go out with Shigure."

And I grit my teeth, because in my heart, I know that she'll never be able to thaw out your soul. That is just a passing fancy, isn't it, my dragon?

Isn't it?

"Come _now_. It's getting worse. It has to be better before I meet with Hiro." I slam down the receiver, even though I can hear you start to say something. If you have anything to tell me, you can tell me in person, when you're here. That woman won't be able to affect you, when you're with me.

* * *

You bow respectfully, showing no sign of impatience. You've gotten good at that. To look at your eyes, I should think you have no soul at all.

I'm glad to know that that disgusting woman, Kana, an outsider with the Sohma name, took your emotions with her when she left.

"Come on, then, examine me. My head troubles me." You nod, silently, my stoic dragon. You are the one in the background. You are the one I can count on not to lose your temper with me.

So, you examine me. You move to draw away, to scribble illegibly on a piece of paper. Do all doctors do that? I wouldn't know. The only knowledge of another doctor I have is from literature of the outside.

You're the only doctor I will ever have. Are you irritated? You don't hate me, do you?

I grab for your hand, for I know that it is clean. You are always clean, and smell of pure, untouched snow. But now, you stink ofcologne, and it sickens me. Were you already preparing for your date, then?

"Yes, Akito?" I still hold your hand, sitting on the ground, with you kneeling before me.

So, I kiss you, for the feel of it, and because I am afraid that I'm losing you.

"Why?" Did you not know?

"Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Hatori."

And I do.


	3. My Insolent Lamb

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Hiro.

My head feels better, considering. I am at least well enough to meet with you, my lamb, my sneering, so-called indifferent lamb. Even now, you sit with your large brown eyes closed, your forehead bowed to the tatami mats of my receiving room's floor.

"Hello, Hiro." You are a stickler on customs and etiquette, to be sure. Only when I address you do you sit up, straight-backed with your strong youth. I wonder what is happening, behind your forehead.

Do you think at all in there? I doubt it. You're still not able to understand the necessity of your and Kisa's separation. If I don't do this now, you might truly fall in love with her, even though she's a good girl and wouldn't do the same back.

You're only allowed to love _me_, don't you see?

"Akito-sama, why was I called in today?" I can hear the impertinence in your voice, just dying to get out. You're hard-put to hide it, aren't you? You would go against your very nature to avoid offending me?

"I want you to know that what happened to Kisa will never happen again, so long as you follow my orders." Are you going to cry? Out of relief, or dismay, I wonder?

"What would I have to do, Akito-sama?" No, I suppose a big boy like you wouldn't weep in front of anyone, least of all me.

"Stay away from her, Hiro. Stay away from my darling tiger. She knows that I'm the only one worthy of your love, and so do you." You hold my stare for a long while, longer than even Shigure might. Then, you stand up, to walk to the window, darkened now with twilight.

There is silence for a long while. I find my mind straying to Hatori, and I wonder if his dinner is going well. Fie on that Mayuko woman.

I am content to stay like this with you, waiting until those slow cogs in your brain turn full circle. Past your silhouette, I watch the sky turn to a deep purple, and stars begin to sparkle. A summer breeze brushes past my cheek, and I can see that a _sakura _blossom falls into your outstretched hand.

"Akito-sama." My eyes rivet on you, my sneering lamb. What do you ask of me? You walk over to me, and kneel only a few feet away, holding out the flower.

"Kisa-chan is dear to me. I want to protect her as much as this flower. She's so fragile, anything might make her stop talking again, like before. Please don't make me try to forget her. It didn't work. I…can't stop loving her."

"Hiro…" I nearly purr, even though I know that I can't permityou such a thing. I notice thatyou areshivering, with your school uniform shorts on and no coat. I carefully don't mention the tears that have started to fall ontoyour knees, though I'm sure that the water isn't helping. I hold open my outer robes, and beckon to you. "Come here."

Looking confused, you comply, hesitating at first until I pull you the last four inches. Isn't that warmer? I always have wanted to try embracing you, Hiro.

Afterward, when you have stopped sobbing silently and I let go my arms from hugging you, you still seem bewildered. You don't think at all, do you?

"Why?" That is the only word you speak, before you leave.

"Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Hiro."

And I do. Still, I do.


	4. My Pliant Rat

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Yuki.

You keep your eyes on the wall. Always, at least, away from me. Am I so terrible? My pliant rat, do you hate me so?

"Yuki," I begin, and try to brush my fingers under your chin. You don't respond, until you jerk away from my touch, turning all the way away from me. "That's not very nice."

"I don't need to be nice, Akito-_sama_." Is it really respectful, if you spit it out like that? You shouldn't be afraid of me, Yuki. You've done nothing wrong, this time.

"I want to you tell me about Honda Tohru." Oh, my pliant mouse, you looked stricken just then, as though I hadhurt you. Would that I had, you know. With you, it's always been more of a punishment-and-obedience ordeal. You always seem to reject my authority, but you know that I hold power. At a word, both you and that little witch could be locked up for a very, very long time in a small, quiet room.

"Why her, Akito-sama?" Ah-ha, so startled that you forget to hiss at my honorific? I see some progress has been made.

"You aren't the way you were before. No one is, after dealing with her, it seems. I want to know more about her." I try to reach out for you again, but you shoot to your feet.

"I'll not be your toy spy!" The shout echoes in the room, and I don't reply for a time. Eventually, I straighten, so short compared to you, did you know that? You've gotten so tall. Unlike with Kureno, I don't feel powerless. You'll always submit to me.

"Not spy, as such, no. What you will tell me, however, is why all of my _juunishi_ that meet her immediately turn around with fallacious thoughts of identity and autonomy. Please, though, be succinct, for as I understand it, you must meet the haggard ogre in thirty minutes to collect her from her menial labor."

You take a swing at me, then. I catch your wrist easily, and brush my lips to your knuckles, if only because I know it offends you and I ordered you to wash before you came. You smell like fresh soil and garlic, Yuki, did you know? To think that you've been outside for so long.

There is a decided flush in your cheeks. Are you ill? Feverish? No, it's only a blush; either from rage, with which you've attempted another blocked strike; or another emotion, embarrassment at my actions, perhaps?

I push you against the wall, and hold you there. "Will you not tell me, then, my rat?" You shake your head defiantly, albeit timidly. I take one hand off of your left arm, and use it to raise your chin to lock your eyes with mine.

And I kiss you, remorselessly at first, and then more carefully, trying to know the new you that this Honda woman has made. Your lips are as soft; your tongue as slippery, as, at first, it tries to avoid mine; and you taste as sweet, like the peaches you used to beg me for when we were young.

You will always be my pliant rat, I suppose.

When I am finished, you struggle to breath out a question. I catch it, in the softest of submissive whispers.

"Why?" And I smile. Did no one understand, even you?

"Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Yuki."

And I do. Still, I do. Even you, my pliant rat.


	5. My Dumb Ox

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Hatsuharu.

You're always funny. And now you look at me, bored, I suppose. Do I bore you, my dumb ox? You're so apathetic.

But you're warm. You don't mind so much as the others when I lie on you like this, my head over your heart and my knees tucked forward, curled up in a tight knot. You sit with your back to the edge of the door, and look out at the shadows created by my garden.

You don't even care, do you?

Nothing makes you embarrassed, or tender, or show any emotion at all when you're here with me, Hatsuharu. I'm hurt, in my way of it; it makes me hold you ever closer, trying to incite you. But you don't care.

That's what makes me push your limits.

So, I pull away, sitting, looking into your heavy-lidded eyes. Were you drowsing? Do you feel safe when you're with me? I don't know. I can't tell.

I _hate_ not knowing. My survival depends on my knowing anything and everything. If I cause any feelings at all, pray, do tell me?

So I press my lips to yours, bluntly, and pull away. Hatsuharu, is that all you can do? Just sit there, blinking at me? I want to ask so many questions, my dumb ox. I readily would, if I thought for an instant that you might know the answers. You're so slow, and stupid. But you're _my_ stupid.

"Akito-sama?" I can barely hear the querulous inflection. I know that you show more than this, sometimes. I am, after all, the one that receives the bills from your school, and that dojo Kazuma runs, and your home, and the hospital where Isuzu used to stay.

Why don't you lose your temper in front of me? I want you to. I wonder what you're like, underneath all that fake "White Haru" stuff. What are you like, when you go "Black"?

"…I saw Yuki yesterday." Now you look interested. Perhaps even worried? But the emotion passes quickly, and you gaze outside again, away from me.

"Did you know how much he still thinks about me?" Your brows knit together. I've found something that annoys you, Hatsuharu. Lucky me! As I recall, you had another vice, as well.

"Did you know his lips are even softer than Isuzu's?" Oh, you're on your feet. I can see your feelings now, Hatsuharu!

"What makes you think I care?" you growl. I can't help it; I start to laugh. That doesn't seem very productive, but you just ask the most obvious questions!

"You're so funny, Hatsuharu!" I almost choke trying to speak. "_Of course_ you care. The big, slow, ignorant ox has always had a soft spot for the rat that tricked him so long ago. It's like you never even realized how he used you!"

"Why? Why do you say such god damn horrible things, and expect to get away with it? Why do you…" you sweep your arm, including, I assume, the way I kissed you before, "you know."

"Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Hatsuharu."

I thought it might fix everything, I suppose. Suddenly, my body reminds me that, while I've been spending time with you, I totally failed to take a few requisite pills. The room blurs…my entire world spins.

And that's when you punch me.

I land in the dirt under my _sakura_ tree, gazing at you blearily. You shouldn't twist so, Hatsuharu. It displeases me.

And my garden disappears, as the universe turns off.

Still, I _do_ love you.


	6. My Faithful Dog

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Shigure.

There is blackness, pooling behind my eyes and dripping from my toes and I open my mouth to scream, for anyone, someone to get my out of this painful place.

And, to my surprise, the name I call is that of my faithful dog. Suddenly, there are brutal sticks under my neck and knees, and it hurts all the more. The hard, merciless ground drops away, and I'm flying, bourn ahead by the searing ache originating in my left cheek.

"Akito?" Your voice is deep, very close to my ear. My eyes flutter open when I recognize you as Shigure, _my_ Shigure. Your arms are holding me, bridal-style, and I can't think clearly. The sticks are really your strong arms – unusual, for a novelist, I've always thought – and now I can remember Hatsuharu hitting me and falling unconscious.

"Shigure…" I can't use my own voice, it seems. My body hurts, from crashing to earth, and only now do I see that you're the picture of horror. "I think Hatsuharu hates me. And I completely didn't take my medicine. I gather you're worried?"

Your half-open mouth closes, and I can feel a mattress against my back. "He turned Black. It's…not that he hates you, as much as he can't control his temper. I'm sure he didn't mean to." I let out a tired chuckle, ending in more of a gasping wheeze. You don't leave, though, and that's a blessing; I need to talk to someone right now. I enjoy my conversations with you, my faithful dog, in particular, because you're by far the closest one to commiserating with me.

"I actually quite enjoyed it. He always didn't show me his feelings. Each one is separate from the other, you see. I want to know all thirteen of you, in time." I try to lift my hand, to find it unconsciously clasped by your much larger one.

"You mean the _juunishi_? Is that why you've been meeting with so many, in the last few days? It's taxing your health." I know it. But, why not, when you're always here to check up on me?

"Out of all of them, you're the one that doesn't hate me." I settle for my opposite hand, leaning overmuch toward you to brush your cheek. I wonder at that; you're always immaculately groomed, and smells only faintly of ink and paper. I like the scent, I imagine. At every opportunity, I try to catch more and more of it.

"That's only because-" I cut you off, falling near-limp out of bed and tumbling to the floor. I think I may have stretched myself too far to touch you. So be it; now you're cradling me desperately. I like touching you, actually. I don't terribly wish to snatch my hand away.

"Apologies. I can't even manage to stay in bed, at this rate…" and I blindly attempt to stand, or at least drag myself back onto the divan with so many pillows. It takes me a moment to comprehend that instead of helping me, you've instead maneuvered to press your lips against mine.

Foolhardy, I decide to act along, and close my eyes. It's a curious thing; no one has ever kissed _me_ before, instead waiting to follow my lead. As you deepen it, I respond with alacrity; I might yet be relishing this kiss more than any time spent with Yuki.

And it's over all too soon.

"Why?" This time I am the one asking.

"Because you are god. Because I wanted to. Because I love you, Akito."


	7. My Defiant Horse

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Isuzu.

"Are you well?" I ask slowly. You set your jaw, defiantly, and don't answer. "I've been told that you suffer from recurring bouts of disease."

"Like you care," I hear you mumble under your breath, as your gaze slides off me to settle to my right. So feisty, this early in the morning?

Your hair is down, contrasting the pale skin of your face but perfectly matching your eyes. Oh, my defiant horse, you're not able to cover your emotions. I can read you like an open book, as ever.

Do you remember when you were as quiet as my dear Kisa? Shying away from any child but the other _juunishi_. You…changed. I allowed you to go to public school, for a time.

It filled your pretty head with empty chances and pipe dreams.

You became interested in Hatsuharu, contriving to steal him from under my roof. I couldn't bear it. I had to punish you, to hope that it would keep you as my sweet, silent little girl. I had learned my lesson in that; too much freedom ruined a body. I cannot number all of my rules you have broken since, but the ones you haven't could be held in my hand.

Afterward, you were no longer innocent.

The path you had chosen would have led you to destruction, Isuzu. As well as my Hatsuharu, stupid enough as he is to follow willingly, _eagerly_ even. You seduced my thickheaded ox. Are you proud of yourself?

"I haven't forgiven you." I am dragged from my reverie and consideration of you at the sound of your petulant voice. I don't have the right words, at first. I blink at you, but you still look far away. I feel ignored, briefly. It is not your place to put me in mine, my defiant horse.

"For saving you, Isuzu?" I actually try to pour all of my thoughts and memories of you into that name. My reward is a disbelieving snort.

"You nearly killed me, you bastard." Do you see what the outside has done to you? You are no longer one of the God-fearing servants. I have been robbed of my beloved, caring horse of your youth.

"You certainly would have killed yourself. I couldn't abide that. The people I love will always be…protected."

"From who?" you scream, standing now, fire burning in the windows that are your eyes, "Who would even think about hurting us, all of us? The ones that don't know don't care, and the ones that do won't tempt your wrath!"

"Silence." Such a simple word. You are trembling with rage before me, breathing hard. Perhaps you are not totally healed? Or, is it instead with fear?

"Isuzu…Rin. I will protect you from the very world, if it wants to harm you. It doesn't." I stand up, taller than you, and hold your soft cheeks in my hands. You feel very warm. "I was protecting you from yourself. It seems that, in the end, I was also protecting my Hatsuharu at the same time."

Your eyes widen. All you can manage is a whisper. "Haru…what did he say?"

I chuckle. My skin is crawling at the touch of yours, and I can almost feel the contagions rushing down my throat, but I hug you. To do more would be suicide. You are, in the end, feverish.

"I am the only one allowed to love you, Isuzu. Remember it well."

And I can see it in your eyes. Somewhere, you love me back.

And then you faint.


	8. My Grotesque Cat

This one may be controversial...

* * *

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I **hate** you, Kyo.

I remember things. You were Kyo, the monster; Kyo, the disgusting; Kyo, the horrific; Kyo, the grotesque. You are the family ogre, a leviathan of stinking meat and disfigured, disjointed limbs. You even drove your own mother to suicide. Tradition dictates that you be kept from ceremonies, that you are to remain downtrodden and secluded, and, first and foremost, that you cannot ever – **ever** – love.

You understood, once, that you truly are a monster, and your mother's death served to reinforce that. You aren't the same way, now.

You have enjoyed freedom long enough, my grotesque cat.

And now, here you are, come unwittingly and of your own volition into my grasp. I will not allow you to leave the Sohma complex, ever again. You will be mine.

Forever.

"Hello, Kyo." Red eyes, cat eyes, searing and radiating and filling me with the hatred you feel. Your fangs are bared in a growl; everything about you is primal, animalistic.

And you wonder that you are a monster, a beast.

There is a comfort in absolute rage, but you know that, don't you, my grotesque cat? Warmth consumes me from the center of my chest to my feet. I allow the fury total control of my body, and feel my mouth moving. What am I saying?

My vision swims, as I barely register that you have taken a swing at me. Mesmerized by the liquid fire in my veins, my arms lift, and it feels like I'm dancing-

"Dammit!" you scream, wrenching me out of myself, as your body collides with the solid wall. There is a painful-sounding thud as you hit the ground.

"Hmm? Oh, did I do that? Apologies," I almost choke on the word, the flames running through me still distracting, "my mind was elsewhere."

Why? Why do I care so much, instead of just killing you? It has been done before, in the past. The grotesque cat, unworthy even of life.

When would I ever feel this rage, then?

I don't get angry like this with the other _juunishi_, the **real** _juunishi_. This feeling of unbridled freedom hasn't been available to me since my health began deteriorating. I would, perhaps, lose an entire part of myself. I wouldn't feel alive, as I do now.

Perhaps, to me, you aren't merely the grotesque cat.

I have lost myself in the feeling, different than rage, but still all-consuming. What is it? Gravity is twisted, turning me irrevocably and exhilaratingly. Have my feet left the ground? Fists, clenching the fabric over my shoulders, lifting my weight.

Your face appears. I can't think, can't move, but I do anyway, my hands against your cheek, my lips against yours.

My lips against yours?

Your eyes are wide with shock, and you yell something, and throw me down. Footsteps, felt through my cheek on the floorboards; you're leaving. My heart turns over, I feel sick, and I close my eyes. I think of you as I faint.

* * *

My eyes fly open. There is a light, and a rough silhouette. Hope fills me. 

"Akito?" It's not you.

"Hatori?" The outline nods, the light turns off.

I try to sit up, find myself weak, and require assistance. "What happened? Where did Kyo go?"

"He went home, I expect. You had a fever. Why?"

At the thought of seeing you, adrenaline rushes through me. I turn sharply and stalk out of the room.

I need to be alone.

I think I might actually love you, Kyo.


	9. My Caged Rabbit

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Momiji.

"I want to tell you a story, Akito-sama. May I?" A twitch of the lips; you try to force a smile. You only look miserable. Do you hate me so, my caged rabbit?

"As you wish. I only called you here to spend time with you, Momiji."

Your voice becomes measured. Do you tell stories often? You never have before, to me, at least. The words have their own rhythm, as you nearly sing, "Once, there was a man that didn't move, but stayed still, a perfect picture of beauty. Everyone loved him, because none of them had seen something so indescribably lovely before; he was like a masterpiece, painted to a canvas. But," your tone changes, and eyes I wasn't aware of closing open slowly to look at you, "one day, **she** came.

"She was beautiful too, but fluid, like water; her beauty shifted from day to day, never the same, but always lovely. The man still loved, held in silent repose, a breathtaking work of genius. He was sure that his admirers would never leave him, and forever lavish their attention on him.

"He was wrong.

"Eventually, no one came to see him, or his perfect beauty. He couldn't understand it. Seeing himself in the mirror, there were no flaws. Where had they gone? Gone to marvel at the fresh, new, exhilarating beauty of the girl, he found. They had never seen anything like what she was that day, or the next, or the next. It always amazed them. The man asked each one, over and over, if he was beautiful, and they said that he was. But they had seen him before, and could remember the perfection of him. They didn't need to see him anew every day.

"The man didn't understand. He was envious of the girl, which turned to resentment and hatred. Without warning, he destroyed her, kept her from showing the people a new beauty, and the people were sad. He was the only beautiful thing left for them to see, but they still didn't come." The story is over, the spell broken, and I blink as I return to my receiving room in the Sohma complex.

A silence begins, and holds until I ask, "Why?"

You gape at me, and then remember yourself and snap your jaw closed, clearing your throat. "Why what, Akito-sama?"

Weighing my options, what I wanted answered first, I say, "Why didn't the people like the man?"

"They knew he had nothing new for them, and had grown bored."

"But…I do not understand."

"He couldn't force someone to love him by taking everything else away."

Disgruntled, I settled on my back, staring at the ceiling. "I have a poem for you, my caged rabbit. It's about why I call you caged. Will you hear it?" You nod reluctantly. I recite:

_"The caged bird sings with a fearful trill _

_of things unknown but longed for still _

_and his tune is heard on the distant hill _

_for the caged bird sings of freedom." _(Maya Angelou)

There is quiet after I stop speaking, and I heard hesitant footsteps approaching. I wonder what will happen now. You bend down, leaving your breath on my ear.

"I have no doubt that you love us, Akito-sama. But, we know you well, and turn our eyes away, while you don't understand and force us back. You love us because we know you, but we cannot return it, for you don't know **us**."

You kiss my cheek and pad quietly outside, to the freedom I should never have allowed you.


	10. My Excitable Boar

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Kagura.

Your legs are bent under you primly, hands folded in your lap. Large, naive, brown eyes stare straight through me, daydreaming. Who are you thinking about, my excitable boar? Are they truly worth ignoring me to think about them?

"Welcome, Kagura. You seem preoccupied." My voice expands and settles over the room like a blanket, somehow stifling. I watch as you return to yourself and blink.

"Yes, Akito-sama. I am worried about Isuzu. She refuses to tell me why she keeps crying." A thought seems to occur. Suspicious, you say, "Do you kow anything about that?"

I try not to smile, truly I do, but my lips pull upwards in spite of myself as I say, "Yes."

A dark, angry look passes over your eyes. "And Kyo-kun?"

I look carefully at you. How you have changed from the quiet girl that I locked up and kept in the Main House. You didn't set foot outside the grounds until after you were eight, did you know?

"Akito-sama," you start with growing anger, "What did you do to Kyo-kun?"

"We fought. It was nothing serious." I allow my eyes to drift to the open screen door insolently before snapping them back to you. "Why, what have you heard?"

"You hurt Kyo-kun!" You jump to your feet and rush toward me. I do not protest as you lift me up - my sickness has left me pitiably thin - but, just as you prepare to throw me, I reach down and touch your shoulder. You pause for just an instant, enough time for me to slide down your body to the ground. I grab your wrists from behind and hold you in that position.

I croon softly just near your ear. In a low whisper, I say, "So quick to anger, my excitable boar. You used to be so quiet..."

With out turning, you hiss, "I've heard that you've been telling everyone that you love them."

I run my hands along your arm and pull your right palm to my lips. Very, very quickly, I touch my tongue to skin, and you inhale sharply. I purr, "I kept you secluded in the Main House with no one to touch or change you. I'm sorry, my Kagura. You must hate me."

You turn to look at me, taking your wrists from my grasp and not noticing when I drop my arms around your neck. "No, Akito-sama! I could never hate you. It was your influence that made me who I am today. I wouldn't have it any other way."

You're lying, of course.

I kept you away from others so long that you _begged _me to attend university outside. I let you go, but it was too late to make you 'well-adjusted' by outside standards.Your personality was inverted so far that, when others tried to interact with you, you couldn't control the random bursts of overexaggerated emotion.

You will never be normal, my excitable boar...

I press my lips to yours gently, _almost_ begging forgiveness for my sins. There is an emotion that I either can't or won't put to words. It is like fear...but it is not terror, precisely.

As you kiss me back just slightly - and so briefly I can hardly tell it happens at all - you step back.

I realize what the emotion is. I am afraid that you will reject me.

The silence is shattered with softly spoken words.

"I love you, Kagura."

You merely smile with sad eyes and walk out the door.


	11. My Impulsive Snake

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can.Because I love you, Ayame.

You are late.

Which isn't to say that this situation is unexpected. But, still, this is a little odd to not even call to apologize or explain. Actually…this situation is perfectly true to form for you, isn't it?

'All in my own time,' isn't that your philosophy?

Any moment now, you'll rush into the room and shout some sort of introduction. So predictably unpredictable, my impulsive snake.

A distant door slams and heavy, running footsteps echo through the Main House. Someone shouts a warning to slow down, and then you sprint straight past my door and into a wall.

You prance in beaming and sing, "Hello, Akito-sama!" And than you keep rushing forward toward me, pick me up - this seems to happen often - and cover my lips with your open ones.

I gasp in surprise and your tongue is in my mouth, baiting mine to action like a playing dog. I comply, since I'm certainly not going anywhere. My hands go into your long, silky hair, and I'm suddenly laying on my back, your face swimming above. I can feel your breath against my cheek.

I smile. "Good afternoon, Ayame."

You nuzzle against my neck and chuckle in my ear, whispering, "I heard that you've been kissing everyone. So I figured, why should I miss out?" The tip of your tongue traces the shell of my ear, leaving a cold feeling in its wake.

"So predictably unpredictable…" I sigh, enjoying the feeling. My fingers trace the cut of your jaw absently.

"I'll bet I kiss the best though, right, Akito-sama?" You smirk evilly. I mirror the expression and embellish the considering of it.

"Well, it's a tossup between you and Shigure."

You are lying on your side now, head propped up on your arm. "Really? Not even Tori-san?"

I roll over to face you and gossip. Yes, I admit it; I kiss and tell. What is the point of the kissing if you can't brag about it later? "Hatori didn't kiss me back."

"That would hurt my feelings. If you kiss someone, they should at least have the decency to kiss back. I can't believe it!"

I laugh. "You speak as though no one has ever been unresponsive."

You grin and nod cheekily, saying, "That I do, my dear Akito-sama! Well, what about my Yuki?"

"You know Yuki. He didn't resist in the slightest."

An odd look passes over your eyes, and you murmur quietly, "He isn't so voiceless with me."

I shrug and stretch my arms out to touch you chest like a cat. "You've never shown him how to be."

We sit in silence for a time. You shift your face closer, smiling pleasantly once more. "So?"

"What is it, my impulsive snake?"

You press a kiss to my neck and I feel the vibrations as you say, "Aren't you going to tell me you love me?"

"Must I say it, Ayame?"

"Well, you've told everyone else, haven't you? Why, am I not worthy of the words?" Your tone becomes one of mock tears. "I have been forsaken! My own Akito, whom I love as a god, has ruined my chance of happiness!"

Something about your words worries me.

"My impulsive snake…Ayame, I love you."

"And I you, Akito-sama." You smile, satisfied, and stand up. "But now I must take my leave. May I go?" I nod and you are gone.

But your words stay with me. 'Whom I love as a god'.

Do you only love me 'as a god'?

Do you all?


	12. My Timid Monkey

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Ritsu.

"Akito-sama, I have come…" you volunteer, standing in the doorway. My eyes open quickly and stare at you for a full minute. You fiddle nervously with your deep blue _obi_.

I turn away and snort, "You're dressed as a girl again, my anxious monkey."

You look horrified at having displeased me, and cry loudly, "No! I'll take it off right now if you want me to!" The _obi_ is already half untied before you notice that I'm laughing. "A-Akito-sama?" You start trying to fix your clothes.

I stand and walked quietly over to you, walking around behind. My hands cover and still your fumbling ones and you jump slightly. "Ritsu, let me help you with that." I deftly fasten it and move back half a step. Thinking of Ayame, I ask suddenly, "Do you love me?"

Taking shallow breaths, you lick you lips and say, "Of course I do…"

My fingers grasp your wrist lightly. You refuse to look at me. I demand, "As more than your god?"

Your wrist, beneath my hand, begins to shake. I see you swallow, but you say nothing, preferring to stare straight ahead.

My grip tightens painfully. "Answer me."

Your squeeze your eyes shut and take a deep , shuddering breath. "I don't want to."

"I need to know," I continued, becoming frustrated.

"Don't raise your voice…don't get mad at me…" you whimper, sinking to your knees. I don't let your wrist go, and you are forced to keep it up in the air, though the angle of your arm seems excruciating. I didn't care. You're too weak, my timid monkey.

"Why are you doing that?" I yelled, shaking the arm I held. A gasping sob escapes you.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't do anything right! I'm sorry…this lowly creature begs a god's forgiveness…Akito-sama, I beg forgiveness…don't be angry…" You slowly turn to me, tears streaming down your face. "Don't make me answer that, Akito-sama…I love you, isn't that enough?"

I narrow my eyes and sneer, "As I love you, Ritsu, but how could a _lowly creature _like you ever satisfy a _god_?"

"I'm sorry! Don't do that!" You cry out sharply. "You're hurting me!"

I drop your wrist and push you onto your back none to gently. "Why are you crying? Why won't you simply **stop**?" My knee drops to your chest to stop your struggles, and you wince. I take most of the weight away.

After all, I wouldn't want to be cruel to you, Ritsu.

"I'm terrified of you, Akito-sama," you pant between sobs.

"Why?"

"Because of what you can do to me! Because of what you can make me do to myself! Because you always," you jerk, trying to break free, "lose control!"

I stare down at you, not comprehending.

"Too much power and nothing to stem it with, no idea how to manage it. You've made mistakes but refuse to see them, blame them on others, _you are a monster_!" you slam your head against the ground and stare at the ceiling, utter horror written across your face. "Oh no."

I mechanically stand up and walk away, but only make it a few steps. My head hurts.

"Akito-sama, I'm sorry," you say into the abyss that has become my mind. No one's in at the moment, my timid monkey. Try again later.

"I love you, Ritsu." I turn around, aware that I have a maniacal grin plastered across my face. You have stood up, I see. "Get out."

You are already sprinting as you pass the open door.


	13. My Darling Tiger

Why?

Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Kisa.

I feel tired and alone, leaning against my favorite of the _sakura_ trees in my orchard. The blossoms have all fallen now; all but one. I watch it with bleary eyes, almost sleeping, held by the hypnotizing silence.

You appear in the doorway leading out to me, and the wind quietly lifts the blossom loose from the bough. I watch as it dances morosely and settles at your feet as you now stand before me.

My darling tiger. The only one left.

We stare at each other for one slow heartbeat.

"Akito-sama…" you breathe, and I can see tears shining in your eyes. I open my arms to you, and you throw yourself into my lap, head on my shoulder, weeping. We sit like that for a time, and I think.

I think about how you all don't truly love me. I think about Momiji's story, his own way of scolding me for my actions. I think about how much everyone hates me, how much they resent me. I think about whether or not I truly am a monster. Most of all, I think about how much you all have changed from what you were before that Honda filth came. I think about how I will need to have a word with her soon.

But with every tear that soaks my _kimono_'s silk, the knot in my heart eases. It isn't nearly enough to dissipate the worry entirely, but for now, it will do. Soon enough, your sobs die away and from somewhere near my chest you mumble, "I'm sorry."

"No, my darling tiger, don't be. May I ask what troubles you, though?"

"You looked so sad…" you press your forehead against my wet shoulder and sigh.

Picking you up easily - I am not too weak for that - I stand and walk back into my rooms. I purr kindly, "Why should you be miserable, for my problems?"

You snuggle closer to me and sigh, "Because you'll never cry."

"I neither need nor want to cry."

"I know."

I look down at you with more questions, but you've fallen asleep. Hugging you briefly,I lay you down on my divan. I myself sit on the edge of the blanket, watching your calm, peaceful face, perfect in repose.

You look so fragile, Kisa. I'm almost afraid to touch you. Everything near me changes and goes away, like chicks leaving the nest. What have I become?

Every day I get closer and closer to insanity. I can feel myself tottering on the brink. Until now, the solid, fixed people around me have kept me stable, kept me happy…but now, I'm losing you. I'm losing all of you, slowly but surely.

The blossoms are all gone from my _sakura_ trees. There is no more time for me to enjoy with my _juunishi_ loves. And you are the last.

Are you going to miss me? Of everyone, I think... No, I_hope_ that you will miss me the most.

You cried my tears when I could not, and you now find peace where I may not. You care about me. But caring can be misleading, only hiding another, darker emotion.

That has been a terrible thought, worming its way into my mind. All of you could merely pity me. You might tolerate me because you know I will never change and don't know better.

I will never change…but all of you have changed around me.

To the silent room, I say, "I love you, Kisa."


	14. You Filthy Harlot

Why?

You don't even deserve an answer, you filthy harlot.

You have corrupted the minds of those I love, invaded and destroyed what was not yours, and challenged my power for too long. There is no word for the depths of my loathing for you. I would sooner kill you than have you stand before me and debase my importance with that naively hopeful look on your ugly face.

But here you stand, looking around nervously.

Without a word I walk toward you, and you open your mouth to spew some abomination of sound. Before you do, I brush past, catching a length of your hair in a balled fist. I continue without pause, working against the strain of pulling your head with me by the scalp.

We go out to the rose garden like this. You say stupidly, "What? What are we doing here?" I don't answer.

Instead, I grab your hand in mine - remind me to scald it later - and put a rose into your palm. I carefully curl your fingers around the stem, positioning them ideally on top of the thorns. Then, looking into your eyes, I press your fist tighter and growl, "You are not deserving. You haven't earned them yet."

I watch as your eyes widen and fill with sudden, stinging tears when the first of the thorns breaks skin, and many more follow. I watch as the dark, dirty, outsider blood runs along the rose's stem and drips onto the moist soil of the garden. And it is not enough.

I push you onto your stomach on the ground and, using a small, sharp knife, I cut the side of your shirt away, leaving your smooth back visible. I take the rose from your grasp and, in your own blood and on your own back, write four characters very carefully.

When I am finished, I wait for the blood to dry, ignoring you all the while. Eventually, you lift your face up and ask, "Is that all, Akito-sama?"

First, I kick you in the ribs for calling me the same thing as my ruined _juunishi_ do. Second, I press down on your shoulder to keep you flat on the ground. Third, I show you my knife once more. And I hiss maliciously, "That was only the rough draft."

So, my left hand over your mouth to stifle your screams, I rewrite my message in even fresher blood, oozing unpleasantly from the cuts I make. The blade is sharp and does not hurt immediately, so I go very, very slowly.

When I stand back to look, I see that you are freely weeping, and smirk. I may have nothing left, but I am better than a filthy harlot.

The blood is drying, now, and I read over what I have written.

You love her more.

It is not a message for you. It is for them. The ones you stole from me.

"They weren't going to let you come, you know," I say, and you look up at me weakly, your spirit broken. "But it was the last command I will ever give them." I pull your head up by the hair, bending you backwards, and you don't cry out. Minutely, I cut the character for _outsider_ into the flesh of your neck.

Then, I drop your head, stalk out of the main gates, and keep going until all the pain is forgotten and the only thing anyone remembers is a monster that felt nothing, that caused only pain and drove people apart.

I will die, now. I will die alone, all so that those I love will not.

Am I a monster for that?


	15. Author's Note

I finished…wow. I'm almost crying…wait, wait…yeah, I _am _crying.

Thank you, my reviewers!

Adi88  
Kumi Seguchi  
Gorilaz  
LaRose  
IAmAkitoAndIAmAGirl  
DarkLady-Iria  
Anna-Jay  
SolcieNTalin  
Mystic Sorceror  
Firefly  
AirbenderSora  
…and the anonymous and (I hope) approving one known only as Akito.

But I must pay special attention to Adi88. If any of you remember the two-month (or so) hiatus this story was on, well, I only pulled out of it because of Adi88. She e-mailed me about it and encouraged me, when I was feeling not-very-encouraged.

So, in the summary it says 'Updated with Adi88's help!' not because she helped me write it - though she offered - but because she cheered me on.

Thank you Adi88, my self-proclaimed biggest fan!

FIN Fading Grace


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